


Episode One

by PrisonersDilemma



Series: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Au after a little before the end of season one, Bart the Rowdy 3 and Dirk arent the only ones with powers, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mysteries, Slow Burn, Supernatural Elements, detective partners becoming something more, idk how to tag this?, this is kind of my own twist on the whole psychic thing I guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-12 06:58:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11731911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrisonersDilemma/pseuds/PrisonersDilemma
Summary: Takes place after the last episode of season one but I'm ignoring the whole thing with the CIA and the FBI or whatever. Instead of that, Todd and Dirk go through with their plan to make a real agency. They move down to Boston and get a plaque and solve mysteries.Episode One: Dirk and Todd have a new mystery to solve and it's quite the doozy. Their first client says he thinks he's the one responsible for a series of recent serial murders in the Boston area. The only problem? He has no memory of committing these acts of homicide? His only clue is the blood on his hands and a feeling of dread.Meanwhile, Dirk and Todd are having trouble navigating their developing relationship.Amanda will forever be the best therapist and voice of reason over the phone as she smashes cars with the Rowdy Three. And Bart? She doesn't know what the fuck she's doing anymore.





	1. A New Beginning

Dirk’s smile was almost blinding as he hung the golden plaque up on the door. It was absolutely perfect, just as it was meant to be. Farah’s four million dollars had not gone to waste. Although most of it still resided in the bank account she insisted upon creating for the three of them, several thousand had gone towards\ buying the most perfect little office Dirk could have ever possibly asked for. It was a small brick building in downtown Cambridge, right across from the Charles River and the perfect distance away from everything important. It had been hard convincing Todd to move out East, but Dirk just knew it was what had to happen. Seattle had too many memories anyways. Too many people knew them, and the police would never leave them alone. It was a logical decision.. By Dirk’s standards anyways. 

Despite the fact that it was all thanks to Farah that they could afford any of it, she had been quite quick to leave them behind as soon as she knew Dirk wouldn’t blow all the cash on something ‘worthless.’ Dirk wasn’t stupid enough not to notice that she was treating them both like children, even going so far as to act as overseer of their joint bank account shared between her, Dirk, and Todd. Dirk didn’t mind, but he could tell Todd was a little peeved.

Dirk shrugged, smiling as he wiped the brass with his sleeve. It was marvelous. “Hey Todd! Come look at this! I got the plaque up. Doesn’t it look amazing?” He smirked as he heard a voice yell from inside of the office. 

“Yeah it looks great.”

Dirk rolled his eyes, pushing open the door to look inside where Todd sat in his chair at the main desk. “You didn’t even come out to see it?” He looked up at Todd, pouting.

It was Todd’s turn to roll his eyes at that. “No shit Sherlock.”

Dirk walked over to his desk, leaning over close to Todd. “Well if I’m Sherlock, then you must be Watson and everybody knows that Watson is just an assistant to Sherlock.”

Todd stopped spinning in his chair to glare at Dirk. “Hey. We agreed that I’m your partner. Your name might be on the door, but I’m the one who does all the real work.”

“Maybe so, but I’m still Sherlock which means I get the big desk, so get out of my chair Watson.”  
“No way, your chair is way more comfortable than mine. How come we didn’t get two desks the same size?”

Dirk sighed. “That would completely ruin the atmosphere of the office!” He threw his hands in the air in exasperation. “You must agree that it turned out quite nicely.”

Todd just looked away. Dirk wasn’t wrong.. Dirk was never wrong which was quite possibly his most obnoxious trait. 

The walls of the office were all a bright yellow with only three windows. One was behind the main desk, with the other two on the left wall from the door. When you walked into the room, the main desk was straight in front opposite the door with only a smaller receptionist’s desk blocking the way on the left sticking out between the two windows on that side. On the right, there was a mini fridge filled with all sorts of snacks by Todd’s request and another door which led to a break room filled with giant, fluffy, purple couches and all sorts of photos of paintings of anything ranging from the two ‘detectives’ to an abstract drawing of three donuts. There was a bathroom connected to that room and the whole space was totally cozy and manageable. On the back side of the building, there was a staircase leading to a second floor where Todd and Dirk lived together as roommates for the time being. 

Upstairs was small and cozy as well. There were two full sized beds squashed next to each other with a tv across from them. Then a hallway led to a mini kitchen and another room that could barely hold a table and chairs. There was also another set of stairs which led up to a comfortably sized bathroom. It was a tight fit, but they both agreed that anything more would have been entirely too much. 

At the front of the house, it was simply decorated with baby blue walls and the plaque on their front door. They had a sign as well, but Dirk wasn’t entirely convinced a sign was necessary if they had a plaque. 

The entire design had taken quite a lot of compromising and anybody who knew them would have said they acted like an old married couple despite only knowing each other for a few months. 

Neither of them would admit it but they had always just.. Meshed together like they were just meant to be together. Dirk was well enough aware of that and Todd was too but neither of them could possibly begin to understand how far their bond went.

Dirk sighed before collapsing in the absolutely less comfortable chair in the front of the room. “Todd c’mon that’s my chair. You’re my ward so you get this chair. That’s just how it’s supposed to be.”

Todd just grinned. “If that’s how it was supposed to be then wouldn’t it be that way?”

Dirk turned to stare at Todd. “You’re getting too smart for this..” The room was silent for several long, awkward minutes. “Hey Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for staying with me and doing all..” Dirk waved his hand around, gesturing to the office. “This.” 

Todd’s gaze softened. “Hey no problem.. Thanks for letting me hang around all your crazy even if I am an asshole.”

Dirk’s eyes narrowed. “No I’m being serious. I-” The British Detective was suddenly interrupted by the phone ringing. His expression changed entirely and Todd smiled at his excitement for their first official phone call. In fact, Todd wouldn’t have been surprised if Dirk fainted or fell out of his chair due to all his emotions overwhelming him. Dirk had the tendency to get a little.. Overexcited. “Hello! This is Dirk Gently. How may I help you?” Todd watched as Dirk’s smile got even wider as he talked to the mystery person on the phone. “Mhm! Yes of course that sounds great! We’ll be right on it! Oh? Yes.. Yes okay. That sounds perfect. Never fear, Dirk Gently is on the case! ..What was that? Oh of course yes. I’ll see you then. Goodbye!” Dirk finally put down the phone, turning to face Todd. “I hope you’re ready for our first case Todd!”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ready..” Dirk frowned slightly. In fact, it was almost no different from his usual expression that Todd nearly didn’t notice. “But hey, if we’re together I know we can solve anything.. Right Dirk?”

The yellow clad detective visibly perked up at that, clapping his hands in excitement. “Well of course we can Todd! In fact I’m glad you feel that way because I said we’d meet Brad at that hot chocolate place down the street in five minutes!”

“You mean Burdicks?”

“Yep!”

“But that’s at least ten minutes away..”

“I guess we’d better get going then.”

Todd rolled his eyes. “I guess so huh?” 

The two friends ran out of the agency in a rush with Dirk laughing in excitement the entire time, and Todd sweating in exasperation and annoyance. “This is going to be so much fun Todd! I knew something interesting would happen today. Brad said that he’s a murderer! Isn’t that fascinating?”

Todd stopped. “What the FUCK Dirk?? You didn’t think that was an important detail to mention before we left?”

Dirk just smiled, grabbing Todd’s hand. “Oh look we’re here. Let’s go meet our first client!”

Todd looked at in annoyance Dirk before squeezing his hand back desperately. “I am so getting you back for this, just you wait. If we get killed it’s your fault.”

“I’d never let anybody kill you Todd.” Dirk looked away awkwardly but Todd knew he was being sincere.

“...Thanks Dirk.” The two detectives flushed before letting go of each other awkwardly as Todd rubbed the back of his neck, looking up at nothing in particular. “Uhm.. same here by the way.. I mean I uhm. I just.. Just don’t die okay?”

Dirk smiled, looking down into Todd’s eyes softly. “Of course I won’t. I won’t die until I’m supposed to.”

“No!” Todd surprised himself, exclaiming quite louder than he had intended. “I mean, I just don’t think you should die.. Even if the universe thinks it’s time or whatever. I mean what does the universe know anyways? That’s just dumb.. Who gives a shit what the universe thinks..”

Dirk couldn’t help but laugh as Todd rambled on. “Yeah okay Todd. Sure. I’m gonna go meet Brad inside now. Are you coming?”

“W-what?” Dirk opened the door pointedly. “O-oh yeah. Let’s go!” And with that, the two detectives, entered the scene of their first official case, hand in hand once again.


	2. The Heart Breaker

The inside of Burdicks was cramped (as always), but Dirk Gently was clearly not afraid to push through the crowd to where their first client sat. Todd was more than a little annoyed about being literally dragged through the chocolate shop. Not only that but this man.. This Brad openly declared himself a murderer and Dirk wasn’t concerned in the slightest!

“Hello! I’m Dirk Gently. You must be Brad?” 

Sitting on the bench in front of them was a tall, and rather gaunty young man who couldn’t have been much older than Todd himself. His blonde hair was tied up in a ponytail which slid all the way down past his shoulders. His golden locks were complimented by some of the most fetching blue-green eyes Todd had ever seen. Needless to say, he was quite stunning.. Not that Todd would notice that kind of thing. 

The stranger, Brad, smiled kindly. “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you. I’m quite a fan of your work on Lydia Springs. I know it’s probably mostly been covered up but it’s just so.. Fascinating! Honestly it’s such an honour to meet you.” Brad’s obvious excitement rivaled Dirk’s. In fact, Todd thought to himself that Brad might be even more giddy than the psychic detective. There’s no way this guy could be a murderer. 

Dirk’s face flushed in pride from the man’s obvious admiration. “Yes, well it was a difficult case but the universe will always lead me to a solution.. Isn’t that right Todd?”

Todd nearly jumped in surprise at being addressed once again. “O-oh yeah right totally..” He turned back to Brad, schooling his expression to look more… Intimidating. Hopefully. “Now why is it that you think you’re a.. You know?”

Brad just frowned, but the light of excitement didn’t leave his eyes. “Why do I think I’m a murderer?”

“Yeah. That.”

Brad leaned forward across the table, perched on his elbows as Todd and Dirk sat down. His voice got quieter as he began to explain his experience. “Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard but recently there have been three people killed in the Boston area. Each person has had their hearts ripped out of their chests. Or at least, that’s what it seems like.. People are calling the killer the ‘Heart Breaker.’” Todd looked at Dirk pointedly as his partner tried to stifle a giggle. Sighing, Todd kicked Dirk under the table quietly. 

“Sorry Brad.. Continue.”

“Right well obviously everybody’s all freaked out and I mean I’ve always been interested in murder cases like this but it’s so scary when it’s so close to home. Anyways okay so apparently I was doing some research and it turns out that all three murders have taken place within like a mile or so of my house. Not only that but okay so the Heart Breaker usually kills people outside of bars or clubs or date places I guess? And all three places were places I’ve been when somebody broke up with me. AND one of the only hints the police have right now is a watch found next to one of the bodies… I lost my watch last week. I bet it’s mine.”

Dirk leaned forwards so he was nose to nose with Brad. “Brad. I will accept your case. This could not possibly be coincidence! I will clear your name, the universe has brought us together for a reason!”

Todd was quick to interrupt, pushing Dirk away from Brad. “Okay, I can see why you might be a little freaked out but wouldn’t you remember if you had.. Killed anybody?”

Brad laughed awkwardly, leaning back to scratch his head. “Aha.. Yeah I guess that’s a good point huh? Don’t you think maybe somebody could be controlling me or wiping my memories or something though? I just know I did it. I know I did. Soon the police are going to find out and I’m going to jail, but I just want to figure out how to stop myself! I’m not a monster!”

“Brad. We’re a detective agency. You already told us you did it, what exactly do you want us to solve?”

Brad suddenly looked excited again. “See! That’s why I called you! The Lydia Springs case had so many weird aspects like the people who died were liked ripped apart by some kind of animal? Like I said, I don’t know all the details but I want you to figure out what’s going on. I just know I did it but I don’t know how or why or if somebody made a clone of me or if somebody swapped bodies with me or took over my body or if I have some kind of weird extra soul in my body or..” 

Dirk looked thoughtful. “Have you thought about the possibility that somebody is trying to frame you? How would Todd and I know if we’re really talking to Brad right now? Wouldn’t it be safer to just turn you in right now?”

“Hey maybe it would, but you’re Dirk Gently. Is the universe telling you to turn me in?”

“No.”

“See! Then there you go, besides if I am the Heart Breaker I doubt a prison would be able to hold me..”

“Right. Well, Todd and I had better go look for clues! I’ll see you when the universe wills it. So long Bradley!”

Blue eyes watched the two detectives leave the chocolate store.

“I think he did it.”

“I don’t think he did it.”

“What?”

“What?”

The two detectives turned to face each other. Todd glared at Dirk. “How could you possibly think he didn’t do it. He just told us to our faces that he’s guilty.”

“No, Todd listen! He was right. If he was guilty I would have felt it. If he was guilty I would have known I was meant to bring him in but I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything.”

“The universe isn’t always right Dirk. Do you feel anything now? How do you know the universe wasn’t just on a lunch break or something.” Todd put his hands on his hips, feeling stupid but too annoyed to care.

“It’s not that easy Todd.” Dirk was clearly exasperated. “We have to follow the flow and we’ll find out the truth. You can’t just.. Just jump ahead of things like that! We’re a holistic detective agency. You know that.” He sighed. “I’m sorry Todd.. Lets just see where things go okay?”

Todd sighed too. “Fine. Whatever, but you’re not right all the time Dirk, even if you are a psychic.”

There was another victim that night and her screams could be heard throughout the entire state as blood pooled out from the whole in her chest where her heart used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sososoosooso much for commenting. I swear to Glob NOTHING makes my day like a comment on one of my fics. It makes me super happy and motivates me to write more. I will say I haven't completely planned this all out but I think I have a pretty good idea where I'm gonna go with this.. It'll probably end up being more of a slow burn with the 'mystery' being the most important thing although i will say it's a rather unconventional mystery huh? I'm interested to know what you think. Especially if you have any theories. That would be so frikin cool.. Anyways yeah. Thanks for reading! Dirk Gently deserves a bigger fandom.


	3. Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress is made?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is really bad, I just wanted to get it out sooner rather than later, otherwise I might never get around to it.. Thanks for your comments!! I looove reading them all even if I don't respond. I'm just too awkward to that but I appreciate them so much. Thank you for reading!! Tell me what you think please??

Todd couldn’t help but stare at the dribble of milk, dripping down, out of his partner’s mouth all the way down to his chin. Dirk was eating his cereal strangely intensely as he watched his morning cartoons. His eyes didn’t leave the television once, as spoonfuls of fruit loops were shoveled into his open mouth. It was totally distracting and Todd could feel his eyebrow twitch in agitation.

“Dirk.” Todd tried to use his very serious tone of voice, but as always, Dirk was completely nonplussed. “Dirk don’t you think we should be researching the case instead of watching cartoons.”

The detective just waved his hand in response. “We’re a holistic detective agency Todd, doing research is completely against the flow. If we just follow the universe, we’ll solve the case!”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full..”

“What if the universe says that’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“...” Todd sighed. “Well enjoy your cartoons, but the universe is telling me that we need to solve the case.” Dirk might have called out after him, Todd wasn’t sure but the truth was he just couldn’t stand to stay there in with him any more. Something about Dirk always made Todd feel awkward and sweaty like he was a teenager all over again. It was just too much to deal with and frankly, Todd didn’t want to think about whatever feelings he totally absolutely did not have for the detective. Absolutely not.. I mean sure he was totally adorable. He made life exciting and gave his life meaning again. He accepted Todd for who he was and accepted him as a friend. Dirk made Todd want to be a better, more honest person. “Ugh,” Todd brushed back his hair with his fingers, face red just thinking about it. “I know that Brad guy is guilty, he was so obvious. I mean he admitted to it. Why would anybody do that if they weren’t serious..” Todd noticed that people were in fact staring at him which made sense considering he had forgotten to put on shoes. Not only that but he was wandering around talking to himself. 

It was a nice day out. Harvard Square was bustling with life. Todd walked past a flower shop, a candy store, and several restaurants before arriving at the Harvard Bookstore. It was gorgeous.. Well there was a homeless man sitting outside of it, quietly begging, but Todd chose not to think about that. The case would probably make him think about Dirk and honestly he didn’t care about it that much. If he was a more honest person he would probably admit that he was only using the case as an excuse to leave. Now that he was a good distance away from his definately-not-a-crush-what-are-you-talking-about, maybe he could finally relax. Walking up the stairs of the coop to the second floor, Todd was quite happy to order himself a smoothie and sit down at a table with a book he found about some of the most interesting places in the world. That was until he was quite rudely interrupted. 

“Are you Todd?” Todd looked up to see a young woman sitting in the seat across from him. Hey, at least she was pretty. 

“Uh. Yeah I am..” Smooth Todd. Real smooth. Todd berated himself.

“Great!” She smiled and held out her hand. “My name is Grace. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Right.” Todd wiped his hands on his pants before reaching out to shake her hand quickly. It was soft.

“I’m sorry, you must think I’m such a weirdo. It’s just that I’ve heard about you on the news and then I saw you here and I thought I just had to say hi or else I’d think about it for the rest of the day-” 

“You heard about me on the news?”

She blushed. “Y-yeah. Is that weird? That’s totally weird huh? I’m sorry”

“No! No of course that’s not weird. I just didn’t realize I was on the news that often..” That was a lie. It was weird. First Brad, now her, and while they had just moved to the other side of the country. It was all very suspicious. All Todd wanted to do was relax.

Several hours later, Todd looked at his watch. “Hey. Grace? Would you like to talk about this more over dinner?”

She smiled. “Oh my gosh! Seriously? Yeah totally. I know this really good place called Veggie Galaxy. Do you wanna meet me there around.. Seven?”

“Sounds like a date..” Todd flushed. “I mean uh-”

“It’s a date.”

When Todd finally stumbled out of the bookstore he couldn’t help but feel rather giddy. Grace was gorgeous and totally cool. Her sister was apparently a big unsolved mysteries junkie and when Grace had heard about him from her sister, she thought he sounded cool. Then she looked him up and saw news videos of him, so when she heard that his agency was moving to the area both her and her sister were totally excited, (for different reasons.) Finally arriving home, Todd rushed up the stairs to get ready for his date, only to be met by an angry looking Dirk.

“Where have you been? I was worried sick.”

“Why? I thought the universe would tell you I’m alright.” Todd blushed and looked past Dirk who was blocking the way. Great. “So can you please get out of my way.”

Oh God, Dirk was pouting. “I thought we were partners.. I just thought we’d do stuff together.”

Todd rolled his eyes and pushed Dirk out of the way, rushing to his dresser. “We don’t have to do everything together and I figured you were just gonna watch cartoons all day.. Again.”

“Well so what if I did? You could have proposed an alternative.”

“I did..” Todd started pulling off his clothes before turning to look at Dirk. “Hey turn around. I’m changing. 

“Why are you changing?”

“If you must know I have a date, so turn around.”

Dirk crossed his arms. “A date? With whom?”

“I met a girl today at the bookstore.”

There was a pause. “That’s wonderful!”

Todd stared at Dirk. “It is? Wait, why are you stripping?” Todd gulped, looking down at his feet. His face was probably beet red. Shit.

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m coming too. I bet she has something to do with our case why else would you just happen to meet? Everything is connected, and we’re partners so I have to go with you. It’s not safe.” There was a slight edge to his voice but Todd was sure it didn’t mean anything. It was always better not to question it..\

“You’d better not mess this up for me..” Todd grumbled to himself. Dirk never listened to him anyways and he was to tired and.. Embarrassed to fight an almost naked Dirk Gently.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, Grace was already there, waving to them from her seat. The restaurant was cute with cakes and desserts at the counter next to some benches for waiting. The rest was an average diner style setup with mirrors and paintings to make a comfortable atmosphere. Grace had clearly gone for a more casual outfit, unlike Todd and Dirk in their suits. She looked gorgeous smiling at him with beautiful amber locks flowing down past her shoulders and green eyes shining brightly.

Her smile fell when she saw Dirk. “I didn’t realize he would be coming too..”

“Trust me I didn’t plan on it..”

Dirk just smiled, albeit a bit tightly. “Dirk Gently, at your service. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Quite..” There was a long, awkward silence until Dirk decided to start talking. Todd didn’t understand why he sounded annoyed, but maybe it was just his imagination and Dirk was fine. 

“So. Grace. Have you heard any strange activity recently?” Dirk looked at her as Todd watched in horror as the two interrogated each other.

“What kind of strange activity?” Her eyes narrowed.

“Oh.. Anything really. We are detectives after all.”

“I thought you were holistic detectives?”

“...Todd I have to go to the bathroom. Will you escort me?” Suddenly, Dirk grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the table.”

“Wha-” Once they were in the bathroom, Dirk pushed Todd against the wall rather roughly and Todd gasped in surprise. “What the fuck dude?”

“She’s totally guilty. She’s the killer. We’ve got to leave.”

Todd tried to glare at Dirk, but found that it was impossible. Breathing was impossible. Everything was impossible when Dirk was so close to him. Why was he so close. It sucked so much.. Kind of like how he wanted to suck- NO. No. Todd shook his head, trying his best to focus. “You’re just jealous.”

“Why would I be jealous? I’m only here on a case..” Dirk looked away, embarrassed. “I can just tell she’s guilty okay? Don’t you trust me?”

Shit. Dirk looked adorable. “Yes.. I-I trust you.”

“Good.” 

Suddenly Dirk was leaning closer, as they both stared into eachothers eyes their lips were so close, Todd could almost taste his breath. 

Then, suddenly there was a loud BOOM and they both jumped away from each other, quickly blushing awkwardly. The room filled with smoke as screams could be heard from outside the restaurant. “Grace!” Todd yelled, before running towards the door, only to be caught by his sleeve. He turned to glare at Dirk. “What the fuck are you doing? Grace is out there!”

“If there’s one bomb, there could be another one. It’s safer to stay in here.”

Todd scoffed. “Since when are you the logical one?”

Dirk just smiled and pulled Todd into a hug. “Since I met you.”


	4. The Crows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY I NEVER UPDATE. I REALLY DO TRY TO GET OUT AT LEAST ONE CHAPTER A WEEK. You should expect around one a week anyways. I was just about to go to sleep when I remembered I really should write the next chapter. I mean who needs sleep anyways? Sorry if it's really choppy I just wanted to get it out for youu. I love all of you THANKS SOSOSOSOOS MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENTS THEY MEAN A LOT WITHOUT THEM ID NEVER GET AROUND TO WRITING ANYTHING YOU MOTIVATE ME. TELL ME WHAT U THINKKKKKKKK.

When the two detectives finally left the bathroom, Todd almost threw up. The entire restaurant was completely covered in blood. The walls were splattered and the carpet was soaked. Bodies were sprawled across chairs like lifeless dolls and several had just collapsed onto the floor. The air was thick with tension. Todd couldn’t move. 

After five minutes of staring blankly into nothingness, he heard a voice call out. It was Dirk. “Hey! Todd! I was right. I TOLD you it was her. I told you so.

Todd blinked. “What.”

“Your girlfriend!” Apparently Dirk had returned to their table and was yelling from across the room. “She’s not here.”

“W-what?” Todd stumbled forwards. He had never seen this much blood before. Everybody was dead. Oh god, it wasn’t his fault was it? He should have listened to Dirk. Shit. Fuck. Shit. SHit. SHIT. Wait. Todd looked around for real for the first time. “Hey! Hey Gently!”

“I told you not to call my by my last name..” Dirk sounded salty, but it made Todd feel a little bit better about the whole thing. At least Dirk was normal. He never changed, not really. 

Todd tried his best to ignore the patches of blood that had somehow appeared on Dirk’s clothing. He tried not to stare at the ground where both of their shoes had been irreversibly ruined by an unknown killer’s leftovers. “Nobody is missing a heart.”

“What?” Dirk looked confused and Todd couldn’t help but relish in it, just a little bit. “The killer we’re after is called the Heart Breaker. C’mon we already had more than one exposition about it.”

“Well either way I think it’s pretty clear that your.. Girlfriend had something to do with this.”

Todd glared at Dirk. He was feeling a lot better now for somebody who was surrounded by dead bodies. “She wasn’t my girlfriend.”

“Fine.” Dirk waved his hand with a grimace. “Your future one night stand, it’s not like I care anyways.. I just didn’t want to hear you have sex with her right next to me.”

“Well obviously we would have gone to a hotel. You know that.”

For some reason that seemed to upset Dirk even more. He was so weird sometimes. “W-well.. Whatever.”

“Wait is THAT why you insisted you come with us. I swear if you were trying to mess it up for me on purp-” Suddenly, sirens could be heard from outside the restaurant. Somebody must have called it in. “Shit.” Todd swore, but Dirk actually looked much better already. He always had a way of bouncing back so quickly, it was astonishing. 

“Finally! They’re here!.” Dirk smiled, but Todd noticed that Dirk was still clearly avoiding eye contact… Weird.

“Wait. You called the police?!” Todd wanted to shake Dirk. “Are you insane? There’s nobody else alive here. They’re going to think we did it. I thought you didn’t even like police?”

Dirk stayed silent for several moments and Todd was pretty sure he could very possibly die right then and there along with everybody else, until Dirk finally responded. “A lot of people are dead Todd. This isn’t a game.” Then, Dirk walked away to talk to the police, smiling and jumping about as though nothing just happened.

Ugh. He’s so weird. 

Todd continued to ponder the weirdness that’s Dirk Gently on their way to the police station. They had arrested both of them as Todd had predicted, but nobody seemed too serious about convicting them. Todd got in and out of interrogation within the hour which was both a relief and a little terrifying. 

They were in the car on their way home from the police station when Todd began complaining to Dirk. It was mostly to stop the atmosphere from being so awkward, but Todd knew that if he didn't let his tension out somehow, he was going to explode and that would ruin the car. It was a beautiful car. When they decided to move to Massachusetts, Dirk and Todd had both somewhat agreed that it would be prudent to invest in a nice car. Todd was still a tiny bit upset that his last car got smashed and Dirk traded his for that truck-like jeep thing. Now, they were sailing along the highway in a Mercedes-Benz S-class Coupe and Todd felt very chic. It was a good feeling, much better than being surrounded by dead bodies.

“If that’s how they interrogate criminals how does anybody ever get caught? I mean I know we didn’t do it but they don’t know that! They could have just let go two serial murderers and we could be skipping town right now!” Dirk didn’t respond. Maybe he was sick of something. “Hey are you okay? You’re being weird. Well, I mean, you’re being quiet which is weird, for you.”

Dirk just shook his head. “Sorry.”

Todd stared at Dirk. “No. Seriously, what’s wrong. We’re supposed to be partners. Tell me what’s up. Have you gotten any weird psychic visions or whatever else it is that you get?”

Dirk sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “No… Well. Actually, ever since we talked to Brad I haven’t felt anything.”

“What?”

“I mean I’ve felt stuff, but before it was like… I’m not sure how to describe it but whatever I had before was gone.

“I don’t get it I thought the universe just led you places and stuff or something.”

“No. Well I mean, kind of. I don’t know. I’m just have a bad feeling and not like the kind of feeling I get when I know you drew a cowboy on your napkin. It’s a different feeling.”

“I…I’m sorry Dirk. I don-” Before Todd could finish his sentence, Dirk was on top of him. They must be at a stop light, Todd thought to himself vaguely but after a minute, Todd found that he couldn't think anything at all. Dirk's mouth was wet and soft and perfect. Todd had gasped in surprise upon the attack and Dirk had stuck his tongue into Todd’s open mouth. It felt amazingly perfect in every way like Todd had been waiting for Dirk his entire life without even knowing it. Either that, or Todd just really really needed to get laid. Either way, Todd felt like shit. Everything was a mess. It felt so perfect and it felt so good but Todd was just so confused. Did he like Dirk? He wasn't gay right? No he was pretty sure he wasn't gay, but goddamn it all. Dirk tasted better than anybody else he'd ever kissed. Maybe they would get married. What was even happening. Todd was both completely confused and totally content at the same time. He hadn't even known that was possible. God, his mind was a mess, and right before he could start kissing back, the pressure was gone. Dirk had returned to face forwards, and focus on driving. His face was flushed and Todd was certain that his wasn’t any better. He felt so hot and sticky and confused. It was like puberty all over again, except this time the only thing he could think about was Dirk. Dirk Gently. Would they date? Did Todd want to date Dirk? Did Dirk want to date Todd? What if Dirk only kissed him because he was stressed out and tense from what had happened at the restaurant. That was probably it and Todd didn't blame it, but was it wrong to want more. When Todd looked back at Dirk, he could tell that things wouldn't be the same. He had seen what it could be between them and... He didn't hate it. He didn't think so. Too bad Dirk was crazy and it probably didn't mean anything anyways. He was totally overthinking it... They could never be together anyways, even if they both wanted to. Todd knew he would hurt Dirk. He would lie and treat Dirk like shit just like everybody else who had ever loved him. Todd knew he could never let that happen, not again. But then again, that was the best fucking kiss of his life. 

Dirk hadn't said anything yet and Todd was still thinking ferociously. He wouldn't hurt Dirk. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't. He couldn't leave Dirk, they were friends after all, and Todd knew that if Dirk really wanted to be with Todd, Todd wouldn't be able to say no. He couldn't bear to. He knew he couldn't be with Dirk either though, that would only hurt Dirk more when Todd eventually lied and destroyed everything. The only option left was to make absolutely sure that Dirk didn't want to ever date or, make sure that Dirk broke up with him. Todd sighed and looked at his hands in despair. It would be nice to love somebody again, no matter how terrifying it always was.

Dirk coughed awkwardly. “Sorry about that.”

“Wha-”

“I don’t think Brad did it.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? He confessed and now he’s probably trying to blame it on-on. Shit what’s her name…”

Todd saw Dirk smirk, although it only lasted a second. “Grace.”

“Right! Grace. He probably-”

“No I don’t think it was either of them. Well, actually I think it was both of them.”

“But there’s one killer.”

“No. You said it yourself, there were no hearts missing at the restaurant. Whoever that was, wasn’t the Heart Breaker.”

“Okay so what are you saying Brad is the Heart Breaker and Grace did the shit at the restaurant. Also, since when do you do actual detective reasoning. Doesn’t this go against the Holistic nature of our uh, agency.” Todd couldn’t help but flush. Apparently they weren’t going to talk about the kiss which was great, absolutely fantastic, totally perfect. Shit. At least he didn’t get hard, that would have sucked. 

“No. I think it was the Crows.”

Todd sighed. He could sense that Dirk was about to tell a very long, and boring story and honestly they would probably never get around to talking about the kiss. He’d have to wait until after the story, then until some other random drama and some more murders, and after all that they probably still wouldn’t have enough time to talk about whatever the fuck was going on between them. Ugh. “So… What are the Crows?”

“Who are the Crows?”

“Yeah okay WHO are the Crows, sorry.” Todd was not sorry, but he’d do his best not to fall asleep during Dirk’s flashback.. Hopefully. Well if he dozed Dirk probably wouldn’t notice right?

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you want me to continue okay? I think I wanna keep going but it's always just.. depressing when you write something and you don't know if anybody gives a shit whether you write more or not you know? I wanna get practice either way and there are NOT enough fics for this show.. but comments are a big help so.. yeah. Thanks for reading either way though!


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